Amnesia

Gillian,
 
Sometimes I wish you were here to smack me upside the head when I make crazy decisions. Lord knows I’ve needed it on occasion. I don’t know if it was the pleading in his eyes, or if I missed him too much, but I’ve taken Michael back. His apology was genuine and there was that moment of realization where I thought I might be played for a fool, but I think I’m going to embrace this while I still can. It’s weird, out here in the lonliness of space, I didn’t know how much I missed the warmth of someone near me until I had it once again.
 
You never realize how much it takes to forgive someone until you’re thrust into a difficult situation. Perhaps it’s easier for some to let things go when the offender is someone who you’ve met by chance, but when it’s someone close to your heart, there are layers of resentment that you must peel back in order to see if you’re ready for such a decision.
 
With Michael, I had to remember everything about him that I loved. His smile, his intelligence, and our ability to work well together as a team. I guess despite all the bullshit that makes a relationship difficult, you have to ask yourself if this would be a person with whom you’d spend your last moments. Would you trust them to be there for you?
 
I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for what happened to Ian, Gillian. I don’t know if I’ve even had the chance to tell you what really happened that night. Yet as I sit here writing about one of the hardest things to do for a person who’s wronged you, I can’t help but find myself sitting in that car with your husband.
 
I remember him taking the keys as he pulled me from the pub. Yelling at me that I was destined to end up dead if I kept running away from my problems. It was raining so hard, Gillian, and yet he stopped me and lectured me about responsibility to you, to Mom and Dad and most importantly, me. At first, I can remember sloppily accusing him of coming at your request, but he countered that his presence was of his own accord.  I can remember turning my head towards the clouds with my eyes closed and feeling the water hit my warm cheeks. Suddenly feeling sober enough to comprehend his words, I looked at him as he stood there, running a hand through his wet and dissheveled hair, his eyes sparkling with anger. At that moment, I realized how lucky you were to have found him.
 
“You can’t keep running away, Shannon. There will be enough time for you to find out what matters in your life, instead of wasting it away every night pissed and in the company of some random bloke! Stop sabotaging yourself, for the love of Christ.You’re slowly killing everyone who loves you.”
 
He took off his jacket, Gillian. Wrapped it around my shaking body as I nodded and felt my own tears start to fall. Leading me back to the car, we drove in silence most of the way home, until I felt myself offering an apology.
 
“Say that to your sister, Shannon. I didn’t come for that. I’m just tired of trying to calm your sister when she finds herself inconsolible over your selfishness.” I looked at him as he stared forward and felt my heart sink. Putting a hand on his shoulder, he looked at me for a single moment and I could tell how deeply hurt he had been by my actions and could only guess at the amount of strife that everyone else had experienced.
 
It was only a split second afterwards before I saw the flash of a large animal cross the road and felt the brakes screech against the wet tires. In what felt like slow motion, the car spun out of control and the grove of trees was the last thing I remember seeing before waking up in the hospital.
 
I am so sorry, Gillian. I can understand how angry you would be not only that Ian was killed trying to talk some sense into me, but that I repaid his efforts with ultimately running away to the SMC. I guess I haven’t had the courage to talk about the things that happened, because like everything else, I seem to be an expert in pushing things down.
 
Ian was an amazing man and it shattered every piece of me to know that I was responsible for his death. I am not asking for forgiveness from you, Gillian, just an understanding that his words did matter and I find myself heading into every obstacle with the courage and discipline that I once supressed with vices.
 
If you take away anything from this letter, I hope it is the realization that I love you very much and that I will never forgive myself for taking Ian away, even if you peel away those layers and find it in your heart to do so.
 
Shannon
 

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