It was supposed to be a great night. I promised the kids that I would wake them at 11:45 and let them watch the ball drop in New York City while drinking Sparkling apple cider. What kid doesn’t love that?
Yet as 11:30 p.m. rolled around, the house was quiet as each of my children and my father slept soundly in their beds. Surprisingly, I found myself at my computer with my head in my hands, crying. At that point, I had no notion of waking them. I have a habit of hiding my sadness.
I’m hard pressed to understand why the wave of emotion hit me so hard this year, but as 2007 ended, I lamented that I was alone. I know it sounds abit silly and a bit melodramatic but I miss wiping the slate clean with a true and dedicated partner. It’s that celebratory kiss as 1 fades into 0, that washes away the sins of yesterday and makes you feel that everything will be all right when you wake.
This is an ache that just doesn’t seem to go away, year after year. While I’m thankful waking up Christmas morning with my children and my father to greet me, nothing beats the feeling of being safely ensconced in someones arms. Whether its for an all too brief kiss, or a lasting embrace beneath the sheets.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my newly found independence. Most days I find I’m happy not to be dealing with someone else’s emotional baggage. Yet there are nights I wake in a cold sweat, reaching forward to feel nothing beside me, and I can honestly attest that it plain and simply, sucks. I think while most of the human race tends to gravitate towards one another, there are a few of us who don’t believe it’s necessary to have that romantic love in our lives.
I’m beginning to believe it matters.
So forgive these half tired ramblings of a 30 year old divorcee, I just felt I needed to vent. Therapy has taught me that things will get better once you expunge them from the soul. Yet, for some reason, I only feel that much worse for rehashing.
