Amnesia

Episode One was such a big hit, that I’ve decided to continue the series!

Now, where did we leave off? Oh yes, those kinky Laurel K. Hamilton fans. Those nipple clamps and patchouli sticks should be ready for that poor man tied up with the silk scarves, but alas, we must venture into different sections to find our soul-mates.  

The Fitness & Health Section:  Your girl will most likely be wearing her skin-tight leotard after just coming from Yoga class as she peruses the pages of these books. Instead of holding a Starbucks coffee cup, you will most likely find her drinking a chai tea of some sort, or sucking on a water bottle. (”Listen, if you freeze it the night before, you’ll have cold water all day!”)

So, if you can stand to eat wheat grass and suck down soy milk for the rest of your life, along with pleas (that generally turn into demands the longer you stay together), to join her in pilates class every-single-day, you could be happy with her. At least you know that when you finally graduate the romance to the bedroom, she’ll be able to bend in ways that would make the vampire erotica fans jealous.

We’re not even going into the young adult section on this trip, you decrepit and dirty old men! Go fantasize about Britney Spears back in the day when she was like, not a nut.  

Mystery: Every girl likes a great caper! Yet if the so called, future love of your life is actually carrying around a magnifying glass and jumps when you approach to get her number, she might be a little too occupied with being Nancy Drew.

Tell me, could you live with:

You: “Honey, I can’t find my keys!”

Her: “It was old man Jenkins in the basement with a toaster oven!”

You: “Wtf?”

Her: “Just kidding.”

You: “Phew!”

Her: “It was really Mrs. Neelens from across the street.”

Back in episode one, Chang asked about the mind, body and spirit sections as well as the women who hang around in Eastern Religions.

As long as your girl isn’t blessing every book she sees with magic, demon-warding, ghost-chasing, evil spirit-destroying crystals, it could be safe to approach. Religion is a very touchy subject. If you’re in W.A.S.P country, and a normally-dressed, together girl is thumbing through a Buddhism book, she could just be searching for another way to communicate her spiritual desires with a higher power. Although, careful — she could be researching one of the many Gods or Goddesses of fertility, and in that case if you’re not the parenting type until you’re actually married, as General Akbar in Star Wars says, “It’s a Trap!”

On the broader scope of religion, I think in most big chain stores, they have all denominations lumped into one section, so here’s a warning for the bible humpers, err thumpers out there. If your girl has more than 12 kids surrounding her, is wearing an outdated flower printed-sun dress, her dark hair could be featured on the cover of Rat’s Nest Weekly, and  larger-than-life coke bottle glasses line her nose; you might want to let the nearest concierge take care of that baggage train.

*looks around and carefully puts the religious topic back on the shelf for fear of smiting*

 Well, that looks like all the time we have today! Keep sending in those emails and making comments! Has anyone actually met their spouse in a bookstore, you know, before you were married?