Amnesia

I was surfing the Whateveresque this morning and came across this post.  One of the replies mentioned that it would be fairly easy to pick up women at a bookstore. Then another suggested the Jane Austen section would be ideal location to find your dream girl.

I couldn’t disagree more with that statement, so I’ve come up with a rough guide on how to find a mate at your neighborhood purveyor of literary materials. I could not, in good conscience let an impending tragic match occur with a woman who reads nothing but period romance novels.**

1.) Unless you can keep up with romantic notions of old, including ever popular sword duels for your lady’s affection (which happen to be illegal now), and public shunning should you do anything more than kiss your woman on the hand before you are married, avoid the Jane Austen section like the plague.

I don’t care if the woman holding Emma or Sense & Sensibility is your physical ideal of a 5′10 brown haired librarian temptress, should you engage in a serious relationship, you will be riding horseback through a field of wildflowers and getting lost in the rain only to be told later that your love interest has married another suitor who was more well endowed with fortune and status, from a drunken friend at a pub.

2.) When seeking out a mate in the How-To suggestion, pay particular attention the books she’s grabbing before you ask for her number. It would not be wise to turn your affections towards someone who is clutching a non-fiction book entitled, How to Get Away with the Murder of Your Second Husband.

In fact, if the object of your affection is searching for or perusing anything in which the subject line is murder, she’s probably not in the best frame of mind at that particular moment.

3.) Science fiction girls are probably even odds. If she’s holding a novel by Robert A. Heinlein, David Drake or David Weber, you can be pretty sure she’s either going to be really grounded and intelligent or a complete and utter nutcase. When approaching a woman in this section, just puff up your chest and say with enthusiasm;

“Man, Starship Troopers was such a kickass movie! I can’t believe they made a book out of it!”

If she slaps you and walks away, you can be confident that she is the woman of your dreams and that you should do everything in your power to get her number before she’s gone forever.

However, if she agrees with you and notes that it was Doogie Howser’s best role since his medical TV drama, it would be a good move to run.

4.) You can be sure that any member of the fairer sex standing next to the erotic fiction/vampire sex stories is going to give you the ride of your life, while collared and tied to a four poster bed. After your rendezvous, you will find yourself cringing when you hear the first few lines of “Brick House” while unconsciously and tenderly rubbing your backside.

A very kinky girl, indeed! I think there was a study done that Laurel K. Hamilton fans were twice as likely to show up naked at cons, or with corsets that barely covered their milky flesh.

Rawr.

Well, that’s all for this installment of How to Pick Up Women at Bookstore. In our next episode, we’ll discuss the pickup lines that make your bookworm wriggle with desire!

**note: If you are currently involved with a Medieval or Renaissance LARP program, please ignore point number 1.